You have opened a door to a room that most of us have never been into. It is the room of mutuality. Offer to help/ Accept help. It breaks the pattern that everything is either "all about me" or "I am not worthy." This new room is right over there - figure pointing towards it. All we must do is walk over, open the door that is just cracked a bit open, and walk through. Once through, pull the door shut. What to do then. Follow your advice. Then once the contributions begin to flow. Express gratitude. Do it in tangible ways. I created a little thing in opposition to simply "feeling" gratitude. I think we should be and do gratitude. Five ways: Say Thanks, Give Back, Make Welcome, Honor Others, and Create Goodness. If we do those actions, and we keep track of them, we will see how the mutuality of giving and receiving help becomes the basis of our relationships, our organizations, and, society in general. I'm not holding my breath. But we have to start somewhere. Ok. I'm recommending your Substack.
True. I like the dichotomy you mention between "All about me" and "I am not worthy". Both extremes might lead to point fingers at ourselves (because we are being egoistic or have no self concept).
And what you say about gratitude is so true. Especially on "creating" gratitude, rather than just "feeling" it. I hope this piece goes in that direction!
And how amazing is it that showing gratitude is also allowing this publication to be recommended by another great author like you? :) Apparently there is wisdom in saying that "Giving is receiving"!
Thanks for the mention. Happy to recommend based on quality and themes I am interested in. Another good post by the way - one thing I have found is a lot of people who end up with chronic illness is that they find it very hard to ask for help, or even accept help when it is offered. I wrote about this in the "When the Mighty Oak Falls" story in my post on personality types https://garysharpe.substack.com/p/personality-types-traits-tests-and
I love how you are able to combine different types of knowledge and link them to the field of chronic illnesses, trauma and healing.
What I am getting from the piece is that many of those of us who become "dysregulated" tend to behave as a Mighty Oak tree, standing alone in a field and isolated from the surroundings. Refusing to accept or ask for help from others in an attempt to take control on our lives.
Then, when the hurricane comes, they don't break, but, strongly uprooted, fall over.
And then, it’s a matter of whether they want to pretend that nothing has happened, and break when the following hurricane comes, or evolve in a Willow tree, which learn to bend with the wind of changes which have any control over.
I wish we can all become Willow trees, maybe even before the hurricane comes!
As always, you are so just right on point. If you don't ask, the fear or anxiety is never resolved... and neither is the question. The worst that can happen is someone says no or doesn't respond. Be gracious with that and realize that you have at least opened the door.
One caution to everyone though. Do NOT take this as a license to spam. You might think, "Hey, if that works, why don't I just write a request and send it out to everyone?" Playing the numbers is a bad idea dilutes the value of actual, real-person requests. Not to mention, you could end up becoming known as a nuisance.
Readers should take note that Livio was VERY deliberate in WHO he asked and HOW he went about asking them. Doing it right takes time and thought, but the result is well worth the investment, even if the person says no. Who knows what the future will bring?
As someone told me some time ago, "If you do not ask, it is certain you do not get what you need; if you do ask, chances are you might actually get it"!
Thank you for this excellent article (which I just found when you shared it on Office Hours).
I appreciated your approach to making an informed request to an author who has a readership that would find your work interesting. Making genuine connection is the key and your post brought that front and centre.
Thanks Donna. It is indeed a great resource to be able to go back to the comments and still derive many insights. I could do it more (and maybe even use the point raised to write new articles).
I have experienced that this difficulty in asking for help (and consequently receiving) is particularly acute in moms. I had a meeting last night with a doula community, and that was one of the strategies to building community amongst ourselves. Ask of others. Ask for what we need and want and be open to receive. When we use the word "should" it's an indicator that we need to ask for help. Great article!
As in, "I have resources, I should be able to do this on my own." or "I've done this before, I should be able to do it again."
When we give ourselves (or myself, anyways) permission to change our minds, cancel plans or wait to Monday to answer emails, the world will still continue on! We are in a constantly evolving life. Just because we were able to mow the lawn or throw ourselves a birthday party in one season of our life, doesn't mean we'll be able to in another season. There is no "should be able to" rather, I could then and I can't now and that's okay too.
I used to be one of those super independent people. As in life trauma taught me to rely only on myself. I then developed a debilitating illness that meant if I was going to achieve and have the smallest of things (eg a cup of coffee) I needed to learn to ask for help. I've gotten pretty good at over time.
I found Substack very recently and I think I came across you in office hours. I wouldn't have thought of directly asking SS writers to recommend my publication, so thanks for planting that seed in my consciousness.
Gary, in this same thread, explains how he sees the link between people that do not ask for help (Oak trees) and the development of chronic illnesses. Very interesting take. Maybe you can relate.
First, congrats on receiving the help you requested! And I couldn't agree more--so many of us are reluctant to ask for things we want or even need. It seems to be ingrained in our psyches. But as you pointed out, most people like to help and are chuffed to have been asked. I think we underestimate how much others are happy to help (if they're able, of course).
True. In the 2008 Stanford study referenced in footnotes, Francis Flynn states that people mostly help because of a feeling of social obligation towards others. Because saying no can make them look bad (to themselves or others).
I want to believe this is reductive. And that people genuinely want to help when they perceive the request to be authentic!
You have opened a door to a room that most of us have never been into. It is the room of mutuality. Offer to help/ Accept help. It breaks the pattern that everything is either "all about me" or "I am not worthy." This new room is right over there - figure pointing towards it. All we must do is walk over, open the door that is just cracked a bit open, and walk through. Once through, pull the door shut. What to do then. Follow your advice. Then once the contributions begin to flow. Express gratitude. Do it in tangible ways. I created a little thing in opposition to simply "feeling" gratitude. I think we should be and do gratitude. Five ways: Say Thanks, Give Back, Make Welcome, Honor Others, and Create Goodness. If we do those actions, and we keep track of them, we will see how the mutuality of giving and receiving help becomes the basis of our relationships, our organizations, and, society in general. I'm not holding my breath. But we have to start somewhere. Ok. I'm recommending your Substack.
True. I like the dichotomy you mention between "All about me" and "I am not worthy". Both extremes might lead to point fingers at ourselves (because we are being egoistic or have no self concept).
And what you say about gratitude is so true. Especially on "creating" gratitude, rather than just "feeling" it. I hope this piece goes in that direction!
And how amazing is it that showing gratitude is also allowing this publication to be recommended by another great author like you? :) Apparently there is wisdom in saying that "Giving is receiving"!
✏️'Just Ask' great Livio. I have written on human behaviour and community in past articles. I will make note and check your site 😊
Nice. Feel free to link here what you think is relevant!
Thanks for the mention. Happy to recommend based on quality and themes I am interested in. Another good post by the way - one thing I have found is a lot of people who end up with chronic illness is that they find it very hard to ask for help, or even accept help when it is offered. I wrote about this in the "When the Mighty Oak Falls" story in my post on personality types https://garysharpe.substack.com/p/personality-types-traits-tests-and
The Mighty Oak tree metaphor is so interesting.
I love how you are able to combine different types of knowledge and link them to the field of chronic illnesses, trauma and healing.
What I am getting from the piece is that many of those of us who become "dysregulated" tend to behave as a Mighty Oak tree, standing alone in a field and isolated from the surroundings. Refusing to accept or ask for help from others in an attempt to take control on our lives.
Then, when the hurricane comes, they don't break, but, strongly uprooted, fall over.
And then, it’s a matter of whether they want to pretend that nothing has happened, and break when the following hurricane comes, or evolve in a Willow tree, which learn to bend with the wind of changes which have any control over.
I wish we can all become Willow trees, maybe even before the hurricane comes!
As always, you are so just right on point. If you don't ask, the fear or anxiety is never resolved... and neither is the question. The worst that can happen is someone says no or doesn't respond. Be gracious with that and realize that you have at least opened the door.
One caution to everyone though. Do NOT take this as a license to spam. You might think, "Hey, if that works, why don't I just write a request and send it out to everyone?" Playing the numbers is a bad idea dilutes the value of actual, real-person requests. Not to mention, you could end up becoming known as a nuisance.
Readers should take note that Livio was VERY deliberate in WHO he asked and HOW he went about asking them. Doing it right takes time and thought, but the result is well worth the investment, even if the person says no. Who knows what the future will bring?
On the spamming point, I believe that what has made the requests both effective and authentic was that it was honest, heartfelt and personal.
So, as you David mention, the "Who", the "How" and the "When" were carefully considered.
Keeping in mind the we want our requests to be authentic can hopefully prevent us from spamming ;)
That is very well put.
As someone told me some time ago, "If you do not ask, it is certain you do not get what you need; if you do ask, chances are you might actually get it"!
Thank you for this excellent article (which I just found when you shared it on Office Hours).
I appreciated your approach to making an informed request to an author who has a readership that would find your work interesting. Making genuine connection is the key and your post brought that front and centre.
Also I love this insightful comment thread!
Thanks Donna. It is indeed a great resource to be able to go back to the comments and still derive many insights. I could do it more (and maybe even use the point raised to write new articles).
I have experienced that this difficulty in asking for help (and consequently receiving) is particularly acute in moms. I had a meeting last night with a doula community, and that was one of the strategies to building community amongst ourselves. Ask of others. Ask for what we need and want and be open to receive. When we use the word "should" it's an indicator that we need to ask for help. Great article!
"Should" as an indicator that we need to ask for help. I like it! But "should" what?
As in, "I have resources, I should be able to do this on my own." or "I've done this before, I should be able to do it again."
When we give ourselves (or myself, anyways) permission to change our minds, cancel plans or wait to Monday to answer emails, the world will still continue on! We are in a constantly evolving life. Just because we were able to mow the lawn or throw ourselves a birthday party in one season of our life, doesn't mean we'll be able to in another season. There is no "should be able to" rather, I could then and I can't now and that's okay too.
Yes. Let’s reduce by 50% our calendar appointments for the next week and see what happens ;) had to do it once already this Tuesday!
I used to be one of those super independent people. As in life trauma taught me to rely only on myself. I then developed a debilitating illness that meant if I was going to achieve and have the smallest of things (eg a cup of coffee) I needed to learn to ask for help. I've gotten pretty good at over time.
I found Substack very recently and I think I came across you in office hours. I wouldn't have thought of directly asking SS writers to recommend my publication, so thanks for planting that seed in my consciousness.
Gary, in this same thread, explains how he sees the link between people that do not ask for help (Oak trees) and the development of chronic illnesses. Very interesting take. Maybe you can relate.
That's a beautiful message. This is one of the reasons why it makes sense to write (and to do it on Substack!).
Any lesson about asking that you would like to share? Maybe something you had to overcome, or have become good at, or would do differently.
First, congrats on receiving the help you requested! And I couldn't agree more--so many of us are reluctant to ask for things we want or even need. It seems to be ingrained in our psyches. But as you pointed out, most people like to help and are chuffed to have been asked. I think we underestimate how much others are happy to help (if they're able, of course).
True. In the 2008 Stanford study referenced in footnotes, Francis Flynn states that people mostly help because of a feeling of social obligation towards others. Because saying no can make them look bad (to themselves or others).
I want to believe this is reductive. And that people genuinely want to help when they perceive the request to be authentic!