There are two authors I have a high opinion of.
One is
The other is , who shares his firsthand insights on healing, trauma and the functioning of the nervous system.
I frequently read their articles and comment on them.
And share their content with my network, when I think it is relevant.
I thought it would have been great for this online publication to be recommended by them1.
Not just from the point of view of credibility and recognition.
But also as an acknowledgement of the effort I am putting into writing every week.
However, we do not know each other personally.
We come from different countries and backgrounds.
We did not have many more interactions than a few comments and likes.
Why would they ever support my work?
Why would I be bothered asking?
That’s what the voice inside my head started saying.
Indeed, I tend to be reluctant to ask for help.
Thinking that people would be irritated.
And that I can do everything by myself.
I am afraid to receive a sound “no”.
And I am not alone in this.
For many of us, the thought of asking someone for help is fraught with discomfort.
Regardless of whether we refer to colleagues, friends or strangers.
“We fear that we’ll be turned down, laughed at, or revealed to be a fraud.” (Jeffrey Davis)
However, this fear seems to be unfounded.
Many studies show that we dramatically underestimate how likely others are to help2.
And shy away from asking.
We fail to get inside the head of potential helpers.
And to perceive their willingness to help.
So, if our assumptions are incorrect, what should we rather do?
The reply seems simple:
“Just ask”
Ask and you will be given.
So I just did it.
I prepared two emails, opened my heart and presented my work.
Asking for a possible cross promotion.
I started with
, whose online content I was more familiar with.And then did something similar with , some months later.
And, guess what?
They have said yes!
No questions asked.
This publication is now recommended by two of my favourite online writers!
With my consequent happiness and increased motivation.
What might have helped?
A part from their willingness to be helpful, a few factors might have played a role:
Being honest: saying the truth and being transparent on the reasons behind the request; opening the heart and showing vulnerability
Making it personal: explaining why the promotion mattered and why they were the right people
Being specific: clearly communicating what the task was and how they could have contributed
So here is my lesson.
People are willing to help.
And recognise each other’s value.
In doubt, take this little risk:
“Just ask”
It feels great.
Increases the trust in others.
And the chances to receive a sound “yes”!
Have a happy, supported journey,
— Livio
15/12/2022
P.s.: if you are asking for help, do not forget to followup with the results of the assistance received! People long to feel effective and to figure out how the work they do matters. So, show your gratitude!3
On Substack, fellow authors can recommend your work, so that their readers are exposed to what you write.
For instance, a 2008 Stanford University study coordinated by Francis Flynn provides evidence in this direction, encouraging people to ask for help.
In a Psychology Today article, Jeffrey Davis details how to effectively ask for help (and get a yes), highlighting the importance to follow up with results.
You have opened a door to a room that most of us have never been into. It is the room of mutuality. Offer to help/ Accept help. It breaks the pattern that everything is either "all about me" or "I am not worthy." This new room is right over there - figure pointing towards it. All we must do is walk over, open the door that is just cracked a bit open, and walk through. Once through, pull the door shut. What to do then. Follow your advice. Then once the contributions begin to flow. Express gratitude. Do it in tangible ways. I created a little thing in opposition to simply "feeling" gratitude. I think we should be and do gratitude. Five ways: Say Thanks, Give Back, Make Welcome, Honor Others, and Create Goodness. If we do those actions, and we keep track of them, we will see how the mutuality of giving and receiving help becomes the basis of our relationships, our organizations, and, society in general. I'm not holding my breath. But we have to start somewhere. Ok. I'm recommending your Substack.
Thanks for the mention. Happy to recommend based on quality and themes I am interested in. Another good post by the way - one thing I have found is a lot of people who end up with chronic illness is that they find it very hard to ask for help, or even accept help when it is offered. I wrote about this in the "When the Mighty Oak Falls" story in my post on personality types https://garysharpe.substack.com/p/personality-types-traits-tests-and