"Just ask"

People want to help. Since you might too.

There are two authors I have a high opinion of.
One is

Devaraj Sandberg

, who explains how we can use our body to handle tough emotional states and become more alive.
The other is

Gary Sharpe

, who shares his firsthand insights on healing, trauma and the functioning of the nervous system.

I frequently read their articles and comment on them.
And share their content with my network, when I think it is relevant.

I thought it would have been great for this online publication to be recommended by them¹.
Not just from the point of view of credibility and recognition.
But also as an acknowledgement of the effort I am putting into writing every week.

However, we do not know each other personally.
We come from different countries and backgrounds.
We did not have many more interactions than a few comments and likes.

Why would they ever support my work?
Why would I be bothered asking?
That’s what the voice inside my head started saying.

Indeed, I tend to be reluctant to ask for help.
Thinking that people would be irritated.
And that I can do everything by myself.

I am afraid to receive a sound “no”.

And I am not alone in this.
For many of us, the thought of asking someone for help is fraught with discomfort.
Regardless of whether we refer to colleagues, friends or strangers.
“We fear that we’ll be turned down, laughed at, or revealed to be a fraud.” (Jeffrey Davis)

However, this fear seems to be unfounded.
Many studies show that we dramatically underestimate how likely others are to help².
And shy away from asking.

We fail to get inside the head of potential helpers.
And to perceive their willingness to help.

So, if our assumptions are incorrect, what should we rather do?

The reply seems simple:

“Just ask”

Ask and you will be given.

So I just did it.
I prepared two emails, opened my heart and presented my work.
Asking for a possible cross promotion.

I started with

Devaraj Sandberg

, whose online content I was more familiar with.
And then did something similar with

Gary Sharpe

, some months later.

And, guess what?
They have said yes!
No questions asked.

This publication is now recommended by two of my favourite online writers!
With my consequent happiness and increased motivation.

What might have helped?

A part from their willingness to be helpful, a few factors might have played a role:

1. Being honest: saying the truth and being transparent on the reasons behind the request; opening the heart and showing vulnerability

2. Making it personal: explaining why the promotion mattered and why they were the right people

3. Being specific: clearly communicating what the task was and how they could have contributed

So here is my lesson.
People are willing to help.
And recognise each other’s value.

In doubt, take this little risk:

“Just ask”

It feels great.
Increases the trust in others.
And the chances to receive a sound “yes”!

Have a happy, supported journey,
— Livio

15/12/2022

P.s.: if you are asking for help, do not forget to followup with the results of the assistance received! People long to feel effective and to figure out how the work they do matters. So, show your gratitude!³

1. On Substack, fellow authors can recommend your work, so that their readers are exposed to what you write.

2. For instance, a 2008 Stanford University study coordinated by Francis Flynn provides evidence in this direction, encouraging people to ask for help.

3. In a Psychology Today article, Jeffrey Davis details how to effectively ask for help (and get a yes), highlighting the importance to follow up with results.