Assertiveness can be learned

Ask yourself 3 questions every day and you will quickly improve

There is a skill I have always lacked.
That skill is assertiveness.

I have always wanted to be liked by people.
Hence saying no and setting clear boundaries have always been a struggle.
It resulted in often being disrespectful of myself, my time and needs.

This is a vicious cycle.
Because being liked by people means being what they want you to be.
Not what you want. Not what you already are.
Means that that your self-image changes as people’s opinion change.
Means struggling to deal with rude people and taking things personally.
Means doing what you did not want to.

I decided to change.
And I gave myself six-months.

To become assertive I had to learn to set boundaries.
And to accept to disappoint people.
To be aware of my limits and preferences.
And to say no, with kindness.
To clearly state where I can arrive and where I can’t.
And to make my expectations explicit.

I have found a good framework to develop assertiveness.
And tested it on myself.
It consists in asking yourself three simple questions, over and over again.

I have written them on post-its.
And stuck them to my laptop.

Every time I enter a new conversation, I now ask myself:

• Am I listening before replying?

• Am I saying the truth?

• Am I speaking up?

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Am I listening before replying?

All starts with listening actively to the other person.
Listen. Do not prepare your reply. Just listen. And shut up.
Be aware of your own motivations, but let things happen organically.
And wait 3 seconds before replying.

As simple as that.
Trust the process.
The rest will follow.
The correct reply is already in your head.
And it will emerge from the conversation.

Am I saying the truth?

There is nothing more powerful than that.
Always say the truth. With respect.
Even, and especially, on small and unimportant things.
Do not come up with false excuses and half truths.

You are tired? Say it and leave.
You feel you are not the best person for the task? Say it and provide a solution.
You feel disrespected? Say it and offer your perspective.

It generates trust. It is relieving. And it feels great.

Am I speaking up?

Voice your opinion. With calm and kindness.
We tend to accumulate frustrations if we do things that feel wrong.
And unexpressed frustrations develop into deeper resentment.
Mention your disappointment, as the event is happening. Release it.

There are normally sensible reasons behind your actions.
Have the confidence to defend them.

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Ask yourself these questions every time you enter a new conversation.
Until they have become internalised.
Until they have become the predefined way you relate to others.
You will turn into a much more balanced and respected person.

These questions have helped me to quickly develop assertiveness.
Let me know if they work for you.
And comment if you want to know more.

Have a good (assertive) journey,
—Livio

30/12/2020