I have a problem: I cannot stand rude people.
I am highly affected by behaviours I consider impolite and disrespectful.
And, even worse, I take it personally and spend hours and hours thinking about such discussions.
I question what I did wrong to deserve that treatment, after that I spend so much time trying to leave a positive impression on others.
My mind is constantly saying:
“How dare you?”
Well, let me tell you something: it is not about you.
I have lately come to realise that I am considering myself more important than I truly am.
That I should revise my expectations.
And that there is a way out of this way of thinking.
How?
Easy. I follow these three simple principles:
It is not about you
The way people behave is an information about them
The way you react is an information about you
1. It is not about you.
Ever considered that people’s behaviour has often nothing to do with you?
We are the centre of our world, so we normally consider ourselves more important than we really are.
This is an ego game. Our ego feels threatened, often for the lack of self-confidence or for the urge to please others.
In these moments, our minds might be saying: “You treat me like that, after I was so careful to say the right thing? How dare you?”
Do not take it personally: you are not so important.
To realise that, try to leave your usual setting for one or two weeks. Go for holidays, or on a trip, or in sick leave.
When you come back you will be surprised by how the world has not collapsed, the company you work for is still operational and your coworkers have found a solution to the problems that have emerged.
Life goes on.
2. The way people behave is an information about them.
This is crucial. And related to the principle above.
If someone else has been rude to you, why would you think it is about you?
The behaviour of people is speaking about who they are, and has nothing to do with yourself.
Others might be afraid, stressed and urging to protect something worth fighting for. They might be scared, maybe even feel threatened by you. And they are probably insecure.
You can try to change them, but it will not be easy.
Whatever is outside you, including other people, is by definition outside your control.
You can try to change context, and escape those rude people. But you cannot really do this forever.
There will always be someone rude around you: your landlord, your uncle, even your partner sometimes.
And this is where the third principle becomes relevant.
3. The way you react is an information about you.
If you cannot change what’s outside you, try to work on yourself instead.
The way you react to external events is the only real thing under your control.
You can go on and try to only spend time with people that are not going to hurt you, or change job every time there is someone challenging around you. But this will only go that far.
You can instead be mindful, set your expectations right and develop assertiveness.
How?
Think if what you expect from the other person is realistic. Does it make sense to expect a change in behaviours? What if instead you try to face it differently?
Expect that the other person might be rude, and that it has nothing to deal with you. Try to react with a smile. And voice your opinion: the way you react will tell others person who you truly are.
These three principles have really helped me to redefined my expectations.
To remember that is not about myself, but about others and the way I react to them.
And to tell myself, in those dark moments:
“Take it easy, it is not about you” ;)
I hope it will work for you too.
Have a good (conscious) journey,
—Livio
20/11/2020