Learning means becoming worse

Zen mind, beginner’s mind

After many years of mentoring activity.
After many months of coaching practice.
I have decided to study again.

I thought I was good in my craft.
I thought I was able to be present, and create the space for others to express themselves.
I thought I was able to point people towards the right direction.

But I have soon realised that things were different.

I have found myself practicing with other coaching students.
Trying to follow a script given by the teachers.
Worried about whether I would create value for the person in front of me.
Whether I would be able to remember the prompts received.

I have found myself losing spontaneity.

Trying to force a structure that was not mine.
Trying to force a structure that I had not digested.

I have felt more insecure than before.
More aware of my limitations.
With more questions than answers.

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This is what happens to whoever enters a path of apprenticeship.
Students need to be ready to feel worse off than before.
Because of their lost confidence and naturalness.

Zen students know this way too well.

As they are not instructed through the rigorous study of religious text books.
But they rather learn by practicing one of the traditional Japanese arts.

They engage in a path of self discovery that goes through mistakes and hardships.
Since learning by doing implies realising the beginner’s own shortcomings.
And lack of knowledge.

This concept is well explained in the book “Zen in the art of archery”, that uses different Japanese arts to illustrate the impact of the learning process on individuals.
And can help students to set the right expectations on the journey.

“Among swordmasters, […] the beginner […] loses not only his lack of self−consciousness, but his self−confidence, as soon as he starts taking lessons.

He is really worse off than before, when […] he struck about him at random under the inspiration of the moment and as the joy of battle suggested.

He is now forced to admit that he is at the mercy of everyone who is stronger, more nimble and more practised than he.” (Herrigel)

In Zen, learning means losing spontaneity. And feeling worse off than before.
It means being aware of countless mistakes. And of the superiority of the teacher.
It means incorporating in the practitioner’s system something which does not belong to it.

This might be frustrating.
Create confusion and discomfort.
And lead to abandon the path.

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But then something magic happens.

After months or years of eventful practice, the student surrenders.
Reaches a certain point of despair.
Realises that perfection in the chosen art is unattainable.
And gives up.

The student enters a state of “don’t care”.
Stops trying too hard.
Thereby allowing the transformation to happen.

“We’ve practiced so often that we find out we can’t do it. And it happens at the moment you know you can’t do it. When you reach a certain point of despair. When you know that you are the one weird child who will never be able to swim. At that moment you’re swimming.” (Alan Watts, on “Zen in the art of archery”)

Things start to make sense again.
The new lessons are incorporated.
The pupil wins back the nonchalance forfeited at the beginning of the training.
And the style gets back its uniqueness.

The student can flow again.

Be as as authentic as at the start.
But with more wisdom.
With more knowledge.
With more clarity of mind.

“As though transformed overnight, I no longer succumbed to the temptation of worrying about my arrows and what happened to them.” (Herrigel)

The student drops any intention to show off.
The confidence is restored.
And true mastery is achieved.

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This moment in the learning path is attainable by everyone.
When it will happen is difficult to say.
But uninterrupted practice is surely what is needed to get there.

Life is a lifelong learning journey.
That goes through the realisation of inadequacies.
The discovery of mistakes committed for many years.
And the discouragement for failures.

But rewards await all who engage in a path of apprenticeship.

I wish we can persist.
Allow ourselves to feel imperfect.
So that true mastery can blossom.
And take us by surprise.
Like snow falling from a bamboo leaf.

Have a happy learning journey,
— Livio

06/12/2022