Being a workaholic is easy

A brief story of an unbalanced life (and of the way out of it)

Over the course of my working life, I have pushed myself way beyond my limits.

My first job was in management consulting, in Milan.
Which certainly did not help to establish a healthy baseline.
In Italy (and not only there), consulting firms notoriously take advantage of young ambitious professionals, hungry prove their value and to grow in their career.
With unreasonable workloads and office hours.

I was entering my job at 09am and leaving at 09pm.
Like everyone else did.
And I was told I was lucky, since the client’s office was closing at night.
Or we would have had to stay even longer.

Looking carefully, this unbalanced way of living started even before.
With my approach to studies, especially during my master in UK.
I unconsciously set unrealistic expectations, so that it was always possible to do more.
And I clearly did more.
I lost myself in books and studies, finishing only when the library would close.

The sky was the limit.

And I did the same with my first 8 years of work.
Always among the last ones to leave the office.
Always busy. Always doing something “more important”.
Always aiming for the perfect results.

With which consequences?

That I was often unhappy with the outcomes.
That the results could have always been better.
Which was a good reason to force myself to do even more.
And to be frequently tired, stressed, and on autopilot.

Then something changed.

Then the Covid-19 pandemic came.
Gifting me with the time I had never had before.

I was forced to face my raw self, with my limits and my patterns.
To analyse what was going on, and to slow down.
To realise my chronic tiredness.
In a process that have probably saved me from burnout.

With so much time for myself, I could not run anywhere else.
I had to look at what was going on.
To analyse why I was throwing myself so deeply into work.
Why I was filling any second of my life with things to do.

It was a long discovery path.
With many important moments.
But I can clearly recall a question which opened my eyes:

“What are you trying not to feel?”

When asked, I stayed silent for a while.
To then realise what was going on.

I was using my job to shut up my monkey mind.

To escape problems. To avoid listening what the voice in my head was constantly saying. And what my exhausted body was complaining about.

I was using work to escape from life.
To avoid thinking. To avoid being present.
To avoid feeling the discomfort that was beneath the surface.

Why was I using my job for that purpose?

Well, because it was easy!
It was simple to convince myself that the time was well spent.
It was socially acceptable to live my life like that.

Hence there was no guilt.
I was growing in my career, gaining skills and getting recognition.
While being paid for it.
I was building my own future, gaining economic independence.
I was satisfying my employers and clients, which could benefit from my diligence.

Why am I telling this story now?

Because I know I am not the only one doing this.
Because I am aware of how self destructive this approach to work can be.
For health, relationships and creativity.

Work is the perfect tool to escape from ourselves.

And it is not the only activity that can be used for that purpose.
Anything can be done repetitively as a way to fill up our time.
Anything can be done compulsively as a way not to feel.
Even the most pleasurable activities, like travelling, socialising, reading or having sex.

The nature of the activity in itself is not crucial.
What matters is how it is approached.
It is its frequency and intensity that determine the impact on our bodies and minds.

So, if you — or someone you care about — feel always busy, or overworked, or constantly jumping from one activity to another, consider what I did.

Ask this simple question:

“What are you trying not to feel?”

The perspective will shift.
You might uncover patterns you had never realised before.
And take the first step towards a more balanced way of living.

It is a long path.
That needs to begin somewhere.
Starting from this question has worked for me.
And I wish it might work for you too.

Have a good, balanced journey,
— Livio

02/03/21

P.s.: this article has been written over 1.5 years ago. I decided to publish it anyway since I am deeply convinced of its message. Please, share it with whoever might be pushing too hard. They might benefit from this small gesture.